WHY DO CATS ACT LIKE THEY PAY RENT?
An Inquiry Into the Economic Contributions of Cheddar & Willow
My cats' father and I work very hard for our kitties.
We provide food.
Shelter.
Healthcare.
Entertainment.
Climate control.
And, apparently, a full-service concierge operation.
We do all of this willingly because we want Cheddar and Willow to live their best lives.
Which raises an important question:
What, exactly, are they contributing to the household?
I have conducted extensive research.
The findings are inconclusive.
For example, when groceries arrive, the bags must be inspected.
Not by us.
By the cats.
Every bag is apparently a potential threat. Or is it treat?
A closed door is also unacceptable.
It must be opened.
Not necessarily because they want to go through it.
They may simply require the option to go through it.
The door must remain open.
Then, there is apparently a very sophisticated internal timekeeping system.
Dinner is at 6:00 p.m.
This is not negotiable.
Not 5:59. That would be premature.
Not 6:01. That would be negligence.
6:00 p.m.
And if dinner is late?
Well, someone will be hearing from management.
There are also routine inspections of countertops, boxes, laundry, suspicious noises, and anything else that has recently entered the home.
Nothing escapes the Chellow Audit.
Although, to be fair, laundry is not merely inspected.
Cheddar has been known to steal it.
He will select an item and drag it around the house as though he has somewhere very important to be.
We have not yet determined where.
Food presents another area of concern.
Specifically, my little sister's chicken nuggets.
If she becomes distracted while snacking, Cheddar considers the matter settled.
The nugget is now his.
There is apparently no appeals process.
Willow & Cheddar, 2025
Willow, meanwhile, has taken a different approach to household contribution.
She guards the house.
More specifically, she handles the creepy critters.
Spiders?
Handled.
Bugs?
Handled.
Anything that has the audacity to enter her jurisdiction?
Handled.
This is why her daddy calls her the Murder Drone.
She is a fluffy bowling ball with a body count.
She is adorable.
She is also apparently head of household pest control.
And then there is Willow's other specialty:
Selective affection.
Willow is, low-key, the more snuggly of the two.
But only with her favorites.
Everyone else gets sass.
This is not a flaw.
This is quality control.
Other services they provide are:
Making biscuits.
Having the cutest toe beans.
Purring.
Lots of snuggly naps.
And of course, supervision of all household activities.
So perhaps I have been looking at this all wrong...
Maybe they do pay rent.
Not in money.
Not in chores.
Certainly not in utilities.
They pay in sitting directly on whatever you are currently trying to use.
Just kidding…
They pay us in the kind of love that only crazy cat parents understand.
In the absurdity of watching two furry creatures take complete ownership of an entire household.
And maybe that's the arrangement.
We provide the resources.
They provide the magic.
Honestly, I think we're getting the better end of the deal.
But I would still like to see the lease.